The Airing of the Grievances

My brother-in-law, Dan, has made sarcasm an art form. Last week he introduced me to a holiday I had missed while I was changing diapers in the Seinfeld era - Festivas. If you missed it like I did, here is a summary.



I was particularly attracted to one tradition of this fine holiday - the annual Airing of the Grievances. "This is it!" I thought. "The solution to the 'Bah Humbug' that overtakes me each Christmas!" So I've decided to give it a try. Who knows - perhaps it will become an annual December 26 tradition....

1. Al, I love you honey, but please cease with the Office Depot clearance gifts. At least take the price tag off so I don't know you paid less than a dollar for a Christmas gift. For pete's sake, it costs more to wrap the dang thing!
2. Kids, show a little gratitude, will you? If you hate something I give you, simply smile, say "Thank you, Mom!" and return it for something you like. Lie and tell me how much you love it, but that you'd prefer one in a different color, or a different size, or a different language.
3. And while I'm addressing the kids, it wouldn't hurt you to pitch in a little and help with the preparations. If you hadn't noticed, putting together the Christmas Eve meal is a heck of a lot of work. Don't show up in time to shove it down your throat and say, "When do we open presents?" If you want to win brownie points, come by the day before and help clean house.
4. To those of you who send Christmas cards, if you can't write even a simple note, don't bother. Hey, I understand how busy this time of year is, but seeing pictures of your family, reading your sometimes overindulgent letters, or even getting a simple note of well wishes is vital to my mental health. But those of you who only sign your name to a card are wasting the postage. I'd rather get a phone call.
5. To the snowplow driver...if you plow in our driveway one more time there's gonna be hell to pay! Shoveling out for three days in a row has been a bonding experience for Al and I, but what a backache!
6. To Brent, Darrin, and David...you should be ashamed of yourselves for letting your aging parents shovel out ten feet of snow by themselves while you were nestled all snug in your beds with visions of sugar plums dancing in your heads. What if your father had a heart attack?
7. Neighbors and friends...your generosity is touching, but if I get one more batch of fudge my thighs are going to explode! If you are compelled to bring food, how about some Christmas veggies? Or better yet, bring a fruitcake. I won't be tempted one bit by it and will feel no guilt in throwing it away.

There. That was cathartic. Actually, since I know that less than 10 people follow this blog, and none of them are on the list above, this Airing of Grievances has most likely fallen on deaf ears. Oh well. That's just as well. You know it's all just in good fun, right??